sigh. today was kinda.. not very smooth. i finally gone through what everyone will go thru someday. just... i dun noe. like i dread to go home. hate everything. i mean. i dun noe la. have this sudden mood swing. i was with grace at tbp. everything was still bright and gay. i mean. happy. not THAT sort of gay. but the very moment she turned her back n left, i... dun noe. the world just seemed so dark. my smile faded away. somehow. i just thot tt maybe everything will be fine if 'm dead. or not alive. i dun noe lah. its not the usual me. maybe what i told grace at tbp just brought up the unhappy memories. i dun noe. this feeling had gone away for a very long time. n it just came back. i hate it. but i cant control it. maybe i can. but i dun noe how to. i dun noe. everything just pisses me off. i cried for very long. my eyes became red n sore. every one at home thot tt its bcuz my brother read my writings. i mean. my thots. actually. its not. tt was only an excuse to cry. i cried becuz i suddenly thot abt all the happy n unhappy times i had before with that someone. n how she always used to be with me. always by my side. giving me support. i even rmb what i said in her birthday card. telling her tt in my whole life, i nv had a better best fren. n how she changed my life. i mean. part of the reason y i changed since sec 1 was bcuz of her. i wanted to show her tt i'm the new me. n accept me. n stop ignoring me. i dun noe. i'm really confused. when i was down bcuz of my 2.4... yangling passed my a pckt of H20. she din tell me who gave it. at first, i guessed it was frm the whole clique. but then. when i asked thm... nearly everyone said it was from her. i dun noe. i seriously dun. xiao min said tt she gave it to me. not her. i dun noe. i wished tt it was her. even if she din mean to give it to me. i would still be happy to know tt its from her.
i dun think she knows how i feel towrds her. maybe she just think of me as another fren. another of her ordinary frens. of cuz i hope i mean more thn tt to her. but... after all i did to her.... sigh. i doubt she's even aware tt i still like her. AS A FREN lah. i just suddenly feel so confused. like... my world tumbling down. its weird to sound like tt... but. sigh. it'll be over soon.

sigh. after what happened last night. everything. just seems so not right. i dun feel so happy anymore. i mean. even the slightest thing would irritate me. sigh. i'm such a b*tch today. i quarrelled with my brother, my mum... n my sis. i din quarrel with my sis. i just.. i was rude n mean to her. I HATE MYSELF! arghs! quarrelled with thm. thn saw my mum secretly shedding tears. i felt so guilty. really guilty. but i dun noe wad to do. i had my pride. i cried again. like a maniac. i havent said sorry yet. i dun noe wad's with me. i feel guilty. but i continue to be mean n sarcastic to her. she just got me a new sim card. got new hp no. but i was so rude to her. evn in front of the dealer. i dun noe wad's with me. i said this:"can u for once dun embarrass me?!" i guess i'm just... not in the right state of mind. maybe its just wad i said to grace n wad happened last night tt's affecting my whole attitude. another vicious cycle. hope everything will be fine in a while.

so anw. today after sch went to redhill market. 11 peeps went. me lydia grace one table. riana wanqi dawn another table. clarice chi hui rosemary germaine jamie another table. hahahah. the fried carrot cake uncle got lots of business. hahahaa. thn the rest left. dawn grace lydia n i went to support maznah for her hockey match. well. i wun say the results. u know what happened lah. n maz disappeared right after the game. the rest... were outside the sports complex... talking to the coach. maz told me tt she din do her best. i dun noe. maybe its her fault. maybe its not. but seriously. i hope she's not reading this. but evn if she does. well.... she was..i dun noe. doesnt seem concentrated. sigh. n worse. being defeated in frnt of her best fren... u all know who lah. i shant say... wasnt exactly wad she had in mind. i mean. sigh. no one likes the feeling of failures.

sigh. eyes hurting like no one's business now. no one cares abt me at home. i mean. at least for today. maybe its just my incorrigible attitude today. sigh. i deserve it. tomorrow shall b a better day.