The first step to recovery is to learn to let go of hurts, even when the person with the knife hasn't bandaged up where he/she has hurt you - and may even be still stabbing you.

Words are truly powerful/lethal.
They can make or break.

Just in the course of one year, there have already be countless things I've said that have affected people so much. I look back in shame, because these wounds are not healing. And they don't look like they would. I feel like the situation has reached a point of no return. To apologize sincerely was what I could do best - but even that didn't restore the relationship. Why is it so hard?

In my heart, there are three people I cannot deal with, simply because I don't know how to. I see their strayed lives, and I think to myself, "Was it I who disappointed and hurt them so bad that led to this?" I understand the wretchedness they feel, and that's precisely why I'm so overwhelmed with guilt. I wish I hadn't said those words then, but yet, wish only I might.

To be burdened whenever I think of them surely is not meaningful. Love and peace have to be restored most definitely, but how?

I'm really sorry,
I am.

Where is this place?!
I see it from my window, but I still can't figure out where this is exactly.

[Edited 6 December 12.23am]
I FOUND IT!!! :D
That shining beam of light is,
THIS!!!
Ain't it cool?

A momentary sound onset
where Fear cannot stop me,
and Mockery cannot harm me.
The Giant summons hardship,
while Hardship I embrace.

Brace yourself.

Three hours spent doing nothing, I don't deny.

Why is it that I am experiencing a cognitive dissonance that does not elicit an appropriate response? 11hours away from the Psychology paper that I am 35% prepared for, what is the probability that I still to repress any form of stress? Perhaps this is what they call a behavioral disengagement. Or maybe my perceived control has led to the learned outcome of failure anyway. Perhaps its apathy altogether. Whatever. Laziness?

Frustrations, frustrations.
Life is tough - crappy for everyone who realizes that it is.
Does God really want us to internalize this hard reality?
In fact, was life meant to be a bitter pill?

Utterly bashed. I am in no state to accept, much less assume, any propositions, or so I think. Have I grown tougher, or have I been foolish? What is the next step?

Take heart, because whatever worse can happen will happen. So shape up. Swim or sink. Conceivably, struggling is better than quitting. How long does a caterpillar say in its cacoon does it decide to squirm out of it? Why does it want to leave the cacoon anyway?

Exactly what on earth am I?
God, save me.

I cannot believe you suggested that.

On another note,
Thank God for L.
"God didn't give me the game plan He has, but He's been faithful in helping me to see how I can live to make all of life count, be it the good seasons, the bad, the disappointments, the hurts, everything, literally... So now I am able to say with confidence that because of God, no experience I've been through has ever gone to waste. I never can fully understand how this works out, but I know that whatever I have to go through, I am better for it."

People are important in life.

Job 3:1
After this, Job opened his mouth
and cursed the day of his birth.

The fodder of compliance is what he dines on,
while remaining virtue thrive on submission.
Desperation eat at his inanimate vitality.
He beseeches to be expelled
from the unending orbit of deterrence.

Obedience

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant and vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V.

V for Vendetta

i am a conqueror and co-heir in Christ

I am taking a break!

From?
-4 hours of sitting in the deck typing away
-3 consecutive days of coming to school at 6.30am
-2 weeks of mugging at least 2hours a day
-1 month of very intensive tutoring
(I didn't plan for the numbers to have such a unique/normal pattern.)

I have so many thing in my mind I wanted to add to my blog but the rush of the week took its toil on me, and so I unwillingly procrastinate. Soon, soon, my dear dear blog. Hopefully, before I forget.

Okay, 5minute break over.

The way to be great is to honour God in whatever you do.

You're thirsty and you see a drink machine - Lemon Barley, Iced Tea, Coke, Sprite, Horlicks, Milo and Zapple. You insert a coin, and hit the button for Zapple. But oh no, you instantly realize somewhere along the nervous system a message was sent wrongly, and you had pressed Lemon Barley instead. Yuck, you hate Lemon Barley. You don't even like Barley, and with Lemon, it was more repulsive. What do you do?

Patrina would know what I did - complain, make a lot of noise and pity myself.

While this sounds pretty comical, its what happens to most of us when we make decisions with apparently undesirable outcomes. The drink's sold out, we press the wrong button or even if we press the right button, the drink came out wrong. Things don't turn out the way we expect and least the way we want. Our ideals are not available, our ignorance or carelessness cause us to make these decisions or so often its, "I have no idea what went wrong."

That is me, guilty. Living with so much idealism, and often finding myself more miserable then ever. I only believed in finding the "Zapple" of my life.

But- smack, boom, bang, crash!- only today did it dawn on me that this unpredictability of life is what calls for a focus on God. Whatever you get, you live with it, and you honour God with it. Its not finding the Zapple of your life that is powerful, because you never know when you get it, or if you'll even get it eventually.

Lemon Barley? Fine. Drink it, and you'll still satisfy your thirst. Make the best of whatever you get, and that is what God wants from you. Greatness is when you are able to honour God - Zapple or not.

a sweet aroma of worship
that rises to Your throne

Be warned that you might laugh out quite loudly reading the following. Ensure doors and windows are closed if you're reading this during unearthly hours. If you are in the library, make sure you tape up your mouth, or just close this tab immediately.

LYNETTE/superDora; says:
okay so what time are you waking up?
azel and esther are depending on me to be on time
and i gotta go there earlier to prepare for praise and worship
`caleb. ; LHC - Do the panic says:
i'm actually rushing a business proposal by tonight
so i'll be hitting the sack, late
to answer ur question... i think... mayb 7?
LYNETTE/superDora; says:
okay text/call me when you wake up okay. otherwise there will not be praise and worship for tmr's first session. burden in your hands. hahaha
`caleb. ; LHC - Do the panic says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA
WHAT THE HECK
some kinda friend are u seriously
now i confirm will wake up la
`caleb. ; LHC - Do the panic says:
the guilt has already been placed on my heavily burdened shoulders
and i alone have the responsibility of assuring that praises rise up to the heavens, and into the bossom of our omnipotent Lord tmr morning

You'll take me to Your quiet waters
You'll raise me up on eagle's wings

Bummer.
The whole week I was so occupied with getting myself hurt through the oddest means, unintentionally of course.


It started first on Sunday when I was carrying this thing, I dont know what it's called so I cant google/wiki it.. but it looks like this:
(Disclaimer: 10kg is a normative determination)
So anyway, I lifted about 40cm above ground while trying to walk towards Joshua to make out what he was saying, the bottom of the foul object detached and dropped on my right foot. Well, you can guess the rest of the story. The right foot was left bruised and swollen.

On Wednesday, Zee came over to my place before we hit town. There's this blasted curb that I kept tripping over when I first moved here. But I have not tripped over it for a record of 2months until Wednesday. It happened - in the most unglamorous fashion. Zee just stood helpless (exlcaimed, "OMG" and laughed, I think) before picking up my wallet/phone. I acquired a twisted left ankle, bruised left knee, and minor scratches. That was 2 days ago, but my left ankle still hurts and I can't point or rotate, though I'm pretty sure its not a sprain.

Thursday saw the most uncommon, even peculiar, custom for hurting your leg - getting kicked by a hard stone shoe - men's leather work shoes. Yes, a shoe, I kid you not.
It remains uncomprehendable why a working man would wear such heavy shoes to work. He was oblivious to the fatal wound he left on me, since the train was crowded and he was 'merely shuffling with the train crowd and inevitably would gently brush others' ankles". That gentle brush cut the left ankle, and begot a swell too.

In addition to that, I wanted to match my red tee with red shoes, so I wore my mom's red Birkenstocks that were too small, and hurt the ridge of my toes. I have ugly red patches across the part of both my feet now.

And that made my awesome week.

Dear God,
I want answers
but I dont want to make decisions ):
-Your confused little girl.

like You spilled Your blood
i spill my heart as an offering to my King

I managed to borrow Christ for the Nations CD! *throws confetti*
Yea, it's good. I'm still looking for the one with "That is Why", anyone?

Anyway, while I'm in the midst of a morning rush,
I'm going to share 10 steps to get yourself half-dead.. and full of mud.

1.
Come home from a birthday celebration tired and decide to night cycle

2.
Wait for your sister to come home to borrow her bike (which by the way, has its seat too high for you, but not to worry, because you want to kill yourself really.)

3.
Prepare cold water in a Dora the Explorer water bottle, and get a pouch to bring your keys.

4.
Get your sister to teach you how to mount and dismount the bike since your feet cant touch the ground

5.
Cycle away on to the road, and because of your apparent lack of directional sense, illegally enter the AYE

6.
Panic, and try to get out of the AYE, only to find yourself now on the ECP

7.
Call many people who are sleeping, and because they don't answer your call, turn back against the traffic and look/feel like a moron

8.
Be relieved when you go on your way home, and take the super steep slope you always thought would be fun, until you break suddenly and throw yourself forward.

9.
Crawl to the side of the road and leave the bike first, since there are cars coming near you and your life is really more important than the bike (its your sis' anyway)

10.
Laugh at your stupidity, because what goes down must come up, and you find yourself half-dead (and muddy) and trying to cycle uphill.

Hahahahahaha, I guess I overestimated myself.
superDora, not.

here in your embrace,
i'm humbled by Your grace,
with my life i worship you.

The Lord sayeth unto thee,
"I do put many seeds within thee, and I do give you seeds to plant."
Says the Lord, "Seeds that would bring forth life and seeds that would bring forth joy. And I say unto thee, "Do not fear to come with Me for surely thou shall be a sower of the Word, and in the sowing, thou shall reap, and in the reaping thou shall bring great joy." And I say unto thee, "I called you and I raised you up to walk with Me, to proclaim My word and to see My word come forth into fruitfulness."", says the Lord.
"Live then by My Spirit and as you walk by My Spirit and release My word by My spirit, My word shall take effect and be powerful upon the earth," says the Lord.

*****

"My hand is upon your life. This is a transition in your life because the Spirit of God is working in you. There are certain areas of fears but in the area of faith, you are also developing."

But the Lord says, "My daughter, I want to bring healing and restoration, and a burden for your family." The Spirit of God will begin to touch you and begin to bring healing and restoration.

"This a place that I'm molding you, shaping you so that you may rise up in faith."
And you will achieve the plans of God in your life. God is also going to use you in the area of counseling and ministering.

*****

God's call is so urgent, God's heartbeat is so real. When He leads me to see the world through His eyes, I am consumed. Overwhelmed.. and ashamed.

I make mistakes. I have impious intentions, speeches, attitudes and I could be the worst example as a christian. But I ascertain the rebuke. Its an immutable toil, like the Apostle Paul foretold in his biblical epistles, where quitters don't win and winners don't quit. I want to be a winner.

Lord, give me strength while I effort to please You.

and the shouts of the earth will be Your praise
God, forever and Light unto all shall be Your wonderful Name
for the glory, Lord, is Yours

So, all the sad things of the previous post are rendered invalid now, which is a good thing. Anyway, I effectively wasted 2hours of my time online looking through... ...

:\

Of late, I've been toying around with the Photoshop Elements. I know I'm slow, still, feast your eyes on the products of my amateur photoshopping what-i-would-like-to-think-of-as skills :D

just to feel Your arms around me
just to know Your grace has found me

these are the sad things D:


1. zing's blog is locked ):


2. psle science paper tomorrow ): + stopping tuition for the first time in my life


3. i spent unnecessary money, where art thou, lala? ):


4. dg is still 2 days away ):


5. my retainers make me sound like donald duck ):

these are the happy things :D


1. yesterday night + today morning with the loved ones (:


2. lunch with hannah (:


3. pink and green (:


4. dg is only 2 days away (:


5. meeting grace lok from cornerstone church through attending wrong tutorial (:

this is me now :]

waiting here patiently
just to hear Your still small voice again
holy, righteous, faithful til the end

Hello People of the World!
MCQ Time :D
Lynette is blogging because..
a. she is avoiding homework
b. she actually has something to blog about
c. she has decided that children's day deserves a blog entry
d. eh wait. its 57mins past children's day. boo ):

Anyways, my attempt to bake cookies was... Let's not talk about it. I shall either act blur when people ask me, or completely avoid mentioning words like, "cookie" "brown" "chocolate" "chip" "bake" "oven" "heat" "degrees" "eggs" "betty crockers" (and the list goes on...) so that nobody remembers that they were supposed to receive cookies.
*Fingers crossed*

I am saturated by laziness/distraction, and more guilt :D yay.
(Seriously, what is wrong with me?)

Sometimes I think people have hidden agendas.
For one, I know I do, but I'm consciously learning not to.
Is it normal to keep being so suspicious?

Oh Oh, everything else aside. Check this out :D
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MY NEW TEETH AFTER BRACES! :D Straight right?
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NOT! Obviously. You tweed. That was before I was braced :D
(and that was when I had all my 4 premolars)


Last braced photo ):


Nice Straight Flat Smooth Teeth :D

But I liked my braces. I liked metal on my teeth. Its almost a fashion statement. You got braces, you cool. I miss wearing braces (except for the part about spitting saliva unintentionally, which is super ugly.)

Okay this whole post is so random and I don't like it. Bye bye.

Free Ice Cream on 1/10/08

To celebrate Children's Day, P.Osh is giving away free single Häagen-Dazs scoops to people aged 0-19. No purchase needed!

Dhoby Xchange, B1-40.

Happy Children's Day!

comfort me in Your unchanging firmness
every beat of my heart takes me closer to You
that i may not fear what lies ahead of me
in Your promises i will find You

Consumed by this phenomenon called Guilt. Yet, still not guilty enough to be bothered. Something else takes precedence. I think I'm growing up? Or maybe deteriorating.

Lately I'm so occupied with my shortcomings. I should be positive.

I found a nice story Christabelle wrote. I blogged about it before.. here.
Okay, spare yourself the rest of the blog entry unrelated to the story and scroll straight to the story. Read it while playing some emo song on your itunes/quicktime/wmp for better effect.
And pardon the grammar errors (which are so annoying actually).

Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant

People around seem to have dreams, and that scares me. Even the simplest of those I know do. All of a sudden I feel adrift. Exactly where I'm heading is skeptical. The saints say "Its all in the Father's Hands", and I subscribe to that. But is faith really about going where you don't know? I think God wants me to know where He is leading me.
But where?

Vexations aside.

I have been living life as it is. The Thais (Pee Poi & Pee Decha) are here for a week. Sentosa with them burnt a hole in my pocket ): and leaves me to have extra work for the rest of this week. But well, my pleasure, I'd still say.





































Not to forget the Bernice I really love with the love of God, and haven't met for too long.




My Discipleship Group in Campus Crusade NUS. I can foresee that we'll be friends for long long long time.. til we get to heaven (:




The University Scholars + Charmaine who has been of great support, thank God (:





And the ones I don't see very often, but are always in my heart <3





Well, this is where my fingers lead me to. I'm going to just end this entry like that.