777, take flight.

Today I looked at my blog dashboard. Rather unexpectedly, there are already 777 posts, and this makes the 778th post. For quite a while now, I haven't been able to write a satisfactory blog entry. I suppose until I figure out exactly why this blog is in existence, I should not be able to blog purposefully. (Duh.)

For some reason, I used to blog daily - even multiple times a day. For the same strange reasons, blogging was a very special activity because it didn't take long for it to constitute itself as a priority in my life. It also seemed that my blog was something I could turn to in literally all kinds of situation. How did the blog do it?

There have been things I've tried and tried so hard to instill into my life, but even til now still fail. Yet, I didn't even have to try to remember my blog previously. Blogging was so enchanting that it could have been inescapable. In fact, the dependency I developed towards blogging made me open up to people less when I see them and speak to them face to face.

That was then. Now, I struggle to even type a short entry. Perhaps blogging has lost its appeal as a form of personal expression, just as chit-chatting has. But why this is so, I don't really know.

I do declare this moment that scrap-booking is my new hobby, albeit its rapacious contention against my wallet. As a (to-be?) economist, I exonerate myself because scrap-booking is a significant factor of my utility function.

Anyway, that aside.

I've started on Max Lucado's "A Love Worth Giving" - I actually bought this book from SKS for my mother about a year ago and she enjoyed it a lot. Of all the books I have lined up for me, (including those that are half-read since I gave up halfway), I think the main reason I chose this book was because of its.. aesthetically pleasing book-cover! Let me get it on google...



There. So I was saying, I thought this was a really good Christian read - pretty light (not very thought-provoking so doesn't mess with your brains) and easy to read since Lucado writes rather colloquially. Basically, its about the struggle Christians face when they have to love the 'unlovable' people. I wouldn't say the book is a "life-saver" or "problem-solver", but it does bring up a long-forgotten perspective of Christian living.

I read the first 2 chapters during a 30min bus ride since the chapters are really short. (I got bus sick after that and I had to stop.) Given that my reading speed is relatively slow, I reckon an average reader would be able to finish the whole book in about a day or two.

Well, I think I've finally found the author.

A taxi driver told me, "The ministers have solved many problems for Singapore, but the problem of taxis still gives them a headache."

Dilemmas, everyone faces them.

I am not wallowing in self-pity.
I am different.
But I will be alright.

I know I got to get out of the "me-world" and integrate myself in the world around me. But howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?

Anyway, I really miss the UCV2206 group. By far, they've been the best people to work with. Very nice people who were accepting and encouraging. Ahhhhh, the time we spent TOGETHER in Bei Jing would be one of the best things that happened to me in this lifetime.

A greeting or a smile can change one's attitude for the day.
The lack of them can do the same, but for the worse.

I thrive on a "Hello!" and an enthusiastic facial display of welcome.

I just have to last.
I just have to focus on surviving.
I just have to stay alive.

Mark 1:23
"And there was in their synagogue a man with an unclean spirit; and he cried out."

Obama is contemplating using Public Funds to pay for Abortions in USA, on the basis that Abortion is part of Healthcare. Think about this.

Let's vote against this, we have less than 3 days.
https://www.aclj.org/Petition/Default.aspx?sc=3499&ac=1

We need to stop being oblivious and negligent about these matters going on in the world around us. Open our eyes, there are more things that matter more than our tiny closed-up lives.

[Update: Victory.]

Pro-Life Amendment Approved in Health Care Debate

The vote to approve the Stupak/Pitts Amendment, which prohibits the use of federal funds for abortion, represents a critical pro-life victory on Capitol Hill.

We applaud the pro-life commitment shown by the Democrat and Republican members of the House who voted to approve the Stupak/Pitts Amendment which prohibits federal funding of abortion.

The passage of this pro-life amendment represents the only bright spot in an otherwise troubling government-run health care package put forth by House Speaker Pelosi. The American people understand that health care should not include federal funding for abortion and we’re grateful to Democrat Congressmen Bart Stupak (D-Mich) and Joseph Pitts (R-Penn) for their unrelenting efforts in protecting the unborn.

Unfortunately, the leadership in the House produced a disturbing and flawed health care package that not only fails to meet the needs of most Americans, but interjects an unprecedented level of government intrusion and bureaucracy into health care.

The fact is that your voice was heard on Capitol Hill. With nearly 170,000 signatures on our petition protecting life, a majority of the House - Democrats and Republicans - voted to stand for life. There was a tremendous outcry of support for this Amendment. And, our thanks to you for standing with us during this critical time.

Source: http://www.aclj.org/LegislativeAlert/Read.aspx?GUID=45be3c65-2375-49b9-8bb0-32f2b1f200f6

I caught a few snippets of Jay Chou's "Secret" on Channel U today. Besides being very impressed by Jay Chou's talent (which I always dismissed previously - I was wrong), I realized how much I miss playing the piano and how fast I seem to have given up - not given up on piano lessons, but the motivation to practice everyday. In fact, the last time I practised was when I went for lessons in about 2 months ago.

Of late, I find myself being involved in learning so many things that I seem to be well on my way to become a true blue "jack of all trades, master of none". Ironically, this is what I'm trying not to be. I'm always looking for something that uniquely characterizes me.

So much has been thought about, and I still think it boils down to the same-old problem of having time as an enemy. If only I wasn't limited by time...

Let it show, let it show, let it show.

One thing that I learnt from Evangelism-focused Life Meeting was to "Get Real". The speaker, Regina Wong, from Youth With A Mission (YWAM) recounted her experience as a christian student in NUS, who wasn't in any christian organization. In fact, she was the only christian among her close group of friends in school.

"I really enjoyed my time spent with my non-christian friends because they were very real people. They're just like, 'This is me, with all my weaknesses - take it or leave it.' They were just very real and I appreciated how straightforward they were."
(Okay, not the exact words she said but I believe I got 75% of it right anyway.)

So, Christians = Hypocrites, perhaps?

Christians are susceptible to the accusation of being a "hypocrite" precisely because of this "get real and let it show" dilemma. We are constantly being judged by the world as representatives of our faith, therefore, we have to watch our attitudes and behaviour. Paradoxically, we may fall into the trap of thinking that we need to appear as Saints in order to be a good reflector of Christ, especially when we are not. I don't think the world appreciates that.

Though a christian's life purpose involves being Christ-like, everybody knows that we are definitely not 'Christ's. We can show the world who Christ is by making apparent our relationship with Him, instead of pretending to be Him. What the world needs is not someone who pretends to be perfect (and may shame them because of their sins, which one pretends not to have), but someone who can show them that despite the weaknesses and limitations that are common to Man, there is hope in God through a relationship with Christ.

There shouldn't be a secret weakness that any christian hides from anyone (christian or not christian), especially if its supposed to be "for the good of God's reputation". God doesn't need anyone to maintain His reputation. Being real (read: sincere) is what really matters to people. They don't care how good you are until they see how real you are.

Get real.

When I told S that I am struggling because I know that something good lies ahead of my struggle, I used the analogy of a caterpillar struggling out of its cocoon to become a butterfly.

S said, "Why do you think the caterpillar struggles?"
I replied, "Like I said, it's becoming a butterfly!"
S then offers his insightful opinion.

"I don't think the caterpillar knows it is going to become a butterfly. I believe it is struggling because its uncomfortable."

Yesterday night I cried before the Lord and I asked Him why I have lost sight of my true purpose (motivation) and joy in serving. On the one hand, I was mad at myself for being so vulnerable to mortal wax and wanes. On the other hand, I was tired and weary. However, thank God that yesterday's sermon in church was about the Power of Praise. I started singing "Awesome in This Place" and I found myself weeping more than I did.

Yet, I knew that in the midst of my tears, something in me was maturing. I knew that God was working in me through such an experience. In fact, to mark the opening of a new chapter about motivation, God gave me a song, which I will not hesitate to share on my blog now. I haven't got a title yet though.

I don't need recognition
Just to know my Lord is pleased
I don't need affirmation
From anyone but Thee

[Chorus]
Jesus, Jesus
You have loved beyond I can love
Jesus, Jesus
Help me to comprehend Your love for me

All my life I'll live to worship
Serve and wait for You gladly
You have called, You have provided
You have been with me

You're my strength, my motivation
In Your ways will I abide
Keep my peace, my joy, my passion
Even through the tide

As I've discussed 2 entries earlier, our motivation for doing anything is really the Lord's love for us. It is only because His love has empowered us, that we may have strength to do things that our otherwise humanly self wouldn't do. The most important thing we can do for others is to first comprehend what God has done for us.

If there was only me and God,
I think serving God would have been easier.
But because I don't live in a world alone,
serving God means serving man too.

That makes serving God difficult.

I pray God makes me someone who is cooperative, so that I can bless someone who serves God and make his or her job a joy, and not a burden. I pray God opens my eyes to help me comprehend His love for me, so I can have the same kind of love for others.

It's easy to digress from one's true source of motivation, despite starting off so passionately.

A line in a very timely mailer by Mart De Haan (RBC Ministries) struck, and stuck: "If right beliefs are the head of our faith, and if good actions are the feet of what we believe, then the motives of Christ must be at the heart of what marks us as His people."

One's external speech, action and behaviour are often relatively easier to control compared to one's purpose and motivation. Purpose and motivation develop quite naturally and is influenced by spiritual forces rather than physical or mental ones. Yet, it is this thing that is most difficult to control that we need to control, and get right. Sounds difficult, no?

Having the right motives is like a difficult Mathematics sum. Only when you comprehend the solution to the problem can you apply it - pure memorization and regurgitation of the algorithm is superficial. Similarly, only when we have comprehended Christ's motives can we adopt the same motives when we act towards others. Following the things Jesus do isn't enough, instead, we gotta be who Jesus was.

No amount of scientific studying can help one comprehend Jesus's motives towards Man. Such comprehension is not a deliberate action of man, but an experience (an encounter) with Christ as a result of His crucifixtion for Man. Therefore, get to know Christ everyday, and understand more what He has really done for your sake. Remind yourself His mercies are new every morning.

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received,

and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be confident knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones,

and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Dear God,

Can I not be busy?

I feel like I've lost sight of what's really important and am just busy busy busy everyday. A church leader once described the acronym BUSY as Being Under Satan's Yoke. I agree with that, because, God, I know you have promised me an abundant life - life to its fullest. You know how tired I am, God, and You did not plan this for me, did You? I know You didn't.

But I thank You for understanding what I go through when I get so busy and neglect. I thank You that You still have time for me even when I have 'no time for You'. I'm sorry, God, for ignoring my responsibilities towards you while fulfilling my duties to Man. Please teach me how to get my priorities right.

I commit the time I have to You.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

今天，用华语来写博客，还是我生命中第一次。说真的，我一直以来都蛮希望自己的华语程度能够比较好，但是力不从心（哈哈，我刚刚用了一条成语，不错吧？） 我妈妈现在正在鼓励我，为我加油，而我爸爸却因为我不断的吵醒他，问他怎样翻译某些字而感到烦躁。我本身是觉得这个过程有趣。

每个假期，我都会计划一些要做的活动，让后在假期之内完成。如今，我完成了很多要做的事情，但是却没有把这些活动记录下来。其实，有些想要做的事情还没做到，连开始计划也没有，但我想这段假期剩下的时间内， 应该不足。那也罢了！

（以上的那段话是几个星期前写的，还没写完时，我就已经放弃了。哈哈! 但我最终还是回到了这里，一心想把这个博客短记写完。）

我 这个星期天就要出发到中国，北京，了。怎么说呢？我对这趟行程的感受相当矛盾。起初我是非常兴奋，但出发的日期渐渐的接近，我突然感到有点敬畏。或许是 自己觉得假期还没正是结束，还没完成要完成的事情，的缘故，所以才会产生这种感觉。我也从中领悟了一个道理，那就是：时间是不等人的。虽然这个道理大家都 有听过，但如果有人要更进的吸收这句话的意思，那他必须亲自经验时间的至高。我就是有了这个经验。

我也就就这样认命了。人是不能控制时间的，所以应该尽量把握时间。想跟时间战斗，或因为发现自己不能控制时间而后悔，都很愚蠢。现在，无论情绪如何，无论多么想抗拒，我都要顺服自己，以免浪费更多宝贵的时间。

Fail.
I fail to run my own life well.

For this post, I shall try to be very clear in putting my thoughts into words. I am annoyed enough to be write all this and not bother about who's going to read. For too long I've tried to ignore my problems and tell myself that I am learning to cope. Cope is a lie - to myself, and to people who ask me how I'm doing. Not intentionally though. Its been a while I've been afraid of writing, because I'm afraid of thinking and getting stuck at dead-ends. I wish life was not little, but much, clearer. Eventually, I become a weakling. Faced with a situation that calls for action amidst dilemma, my only resort became to cry/get depressed for days.

I fail, and I know very clearly how I fail so bad with everything and possibly everyone too. I psycho myself and pretend to think that I am learning to manage these failures by avoiding them and not thinking about them, to carry on life as normal (not as what is normal to me, but what is normal and very often superficial to the world). Yet I still usually end up looking for someone to help me. Sometimes these aren't people I ought to turn to, sometimes these people aren't really interested in helping me, sometimes these people say things I don't need to or don't want to hear, sometimes these people don't know what to do, sometimes these people don't convince me, sometimes I end up not wanting to tell anything to these people after approaching them. Most of the time though, I don't find these people and instead, discover that I should figure my life out for myself, and feel stupid and futile sharing my life with anyone. There isn't any thing I've done that made my life any happier compared to where it is, and there isn't any attempt that I've not regretted.

There's something I hated saying, and never wanted to succumb to. I do hate life a lot, but saying this doesn't purport anything, so it remains as meaningless as most part of my life. I fail.

Blog is dead,
Long live the the Diary.


:D

for the sake of knowing You, for the Glory of Your Name
to know the lasting Joy, even sharing in Your Pain

Where Hail the Seashells


Speckled, striped or
Modest with pleasing dissonance.
Oblong, round and many
Peculiar, distinguished and shapely too!

So populous, I cannot
Ascribe a word worthy enough for each one
And so resplendent, I only
Wonder who left them there?

Yes, where do they hail from?
The seas brought them to
The shores we find them.
But I reckon Someone must have left them there!

Too admirable and
Too exceptional
To be merely carried by waves
Without thoughtful creativity.

Lydia: Have you done those facebook quizzes?
Lydia: They're all so silly, and I see them all on my Home page in Facebook!
Lydia: "What animal are you?", "Giraffe."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA :D
(Documenting the ticklish moments)

[ALL SAD CONTENT REMOVED]
but I still miss Miss Egoistical Ho, heh :D



Anyway, I am so tempted to buy Jon Schmidt's music online. I think I would eventually, seeing how I've been more and more into classical. I'm adding this to my list of things to do this holiday: 52 + 36 = 88 (Haha, I think you'd be able to guess.)

Its almost contraband for me to have so many posts on my blog this period. Yet these 2 months have metaphorically been the buffeting by a maelstrom of mortal waxes and wanes.

But well, when you have roller coasters (even if they're psychic ones), you have roblox. And when you have roblox, you have roblox gone crazy. Haha, I had a good laugh at and I think anyone would too.

omg i think im transiting to the realm-after-life,
or at least it feels so. my hands feel so weak hitting these keyboard keys and i'm like a jellyfish.
i have a skeletal muscle that has ceased to function normally.

my throat is burning and my gut is churning.

i hate vomiting.
i threw up so much that there was undigested noodles (and i'll spare you other details) coming out from my nose.
am i dying?

Where does one go,
Fixed in the twilight of hope
Suspended in uncertainty
Lifeless to grope?

Between life and death.
And fatigue and strength,
Reluctant breath
And a gagged smile.

Absent dawn and sunrise,
Poignancy merely feed itself.
Without much surprise
The heart blank and black.

Suspension is forbidden.
And to change what is no more,
Of the had been,
Is beyond one’s score.

Where does one go?
Plunge or sink –
One pays life’s toll.
Or simply start anew.

My blog has been too active lately!
Anyway, I eventually watched Confessions of a Shopaholic, albeit reluctantly.

1. Real Shopaholics don't watch movies - they use the money to buy something else. (Haha, kidding. I really wanted to save some money.)

2. I thought I was already watching my own shopaholic life unfold before me (but I think otherwise after the show). On the one hand, I'm quite glad I'm not even near half as obsessive as she is, on the other, I have this impending fear of what happened to her happening to me.

3. The show definitely wasn't on my 'To-Watch' list this year - I think this year I'm quite into dull shows.

I digressed. I wanted to point this out actually...

Do you see the resemblance?!

During the show, I thought I remembered the lead's name to be have the word "fish" in it, yet I was quite certain the girl in the screen was Amy Adams (Enchanted). After the show, I saw on posters that the lead's name was "Isla Fisher". Well, I was wrong. They are two different people who just happen to look very alike.

P.S: Except for the last two collages, the photos alternate between the two actresses, Amy first, then Isla.

P.S.S: Isla is pronounced as "Eye-la" (Credit: Wikipedia)