Under my Um-ber-rella-ella-ella-eh-eh. Haha, this line paticularly is stuck in my head at such an unearthly hour. Why? Because Derek kept singing it during cell. Anyway, I've been thinking alot about 2 things this week, especially this week.
You would think its Prelims.
But no.
The first is my cell group,
The second, you probably heard it many many times if you've been an avid reader. By now, if you read on, you would recognise me as a dog chasing after its own tail. (Though I would much rather be a monkey because I love monkeys, Paul Frank!) If you havent already guessed it, its about growing up once again. I dont want to bore you with this. Yet I feel like I want to type out a 5000 word essay on my apprehension towards my 18th birthday. Yes it is approaching, but this is not a hint. I'ld like the celebration, the presents(haha, i do!) and all. But I dont like the part about "growing up".
DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS LINE IF YOURE NOT IN FOR SOME SERIOUS MID-MID-MID-MID LIFE CRISIS MONOLOGUE.
1. Opportunity Costs. Yes, it is the same "next best alternative forgone" you learn in Economics. As life goes on, you make decisions. With every decision made, an Opportunity Cost is incurred. I would stop time so I can remain happy where I am, but I'm forced to grow up, forced to live and make decisions. Why forced? Because I cannot control time. It goes on and on, without my consent. I am chatting with Paul about this now, and an example I used was,
"I came from River Valley Primary School, but I want to go back and experience what it would have been like coming from MGS"
Its not about MGS, I could have said Changkat Changi Primary School. My point is I want to be in 2 places at one time, figuratively. Literally, I want to experience every single lifestyle per period. But that is humanly impossible, unless youre Moses who can stop time. (According to Aaron who said scientists proved that Moses stopped time) I'm afraid of missing out. I'm pained by Opportunity Costs.
Greedy? You think. (Well, Paul thought, haha!) I guess it isnt wrong to put it that way.
2. I'm unable to let go of the past-packing into Mooncake boxes and chucking it in some corner. I wish my past was alive, unfolding infront of me every morning. I do miss old things, old lifestyles, old habits (yes old habits), ever aspect of what I've lived through. But I do anticipate the future because I know there are pleasent things to be explored- God's promise in Jeremiah 29:11.
But the future is different from the past. The past you have lived, you know what its like, you can keep the happy memories and garuntee they have a happy ending. The future, on the other hand, is unknown. Anything can happen. Rather than conjured replays, I wanna re-live the good ol' times, and know that they are good times indeed.
3. The future seems bleak, and especially so after reading Revelations. Haha! Essentially, life on earth (maybe applicable to Sporeans only) is Study, Work, Do nothing (in your Golden Years because youre weak and frail and cant behave like a Sec sch canoeist anymore) and Die. It is so meaningless.
Thankfully, I am a Christian and I find alot of meaning in life because I'm working for a God who abounds in love.
But that, too, is a push factor. I noticed how as you grow older your faith gets colder. Not in my cell of course! There is Admirable Alyssa (I love alliterations) who puts God above her work. But generally, it does happen. Maybe not the diminishing of faith, but the faith-generated deeds. I would justify that with the lack of time due to heavier responsibilities.
4. I am afraid of change.
That being said, growing up is an inevitable naturally-pccuring process. Change is packaged with this. And I dont like such changes. I dont like puberty actually. I like to do things at my pace. Furthermore, such changes are irreversible. For me, I want to grow up when I want, and behave like a kid or a JC student when I want (without public judgement). Again, this is not achievable.
I love/hate to see myself becoming a Mother. Love because its something I've never experienced before (Doh!) and I'm excited. Hate because I'll never be able to come back to where I am now, or go back to where I had been. Hate because things would be so very different.
When I look at old things, photographs especially, I get reminded of the used-to-bes and it makes me upset. I've felt the sense of loss for a long time, but the older I grow, there more there is to lose.
My fathers' eyes looked out for me, and if they weren't, it only means that he is carrying me. I remember how I would run to him when he comes home from work, to ask him for shirlings (coins) so I could save up. He used to call me when he's resting on the sofa, reading the newspapers, and I would crawl on top of him and kiss him. I could always feel his beard/moustache stubs which were pokey. He asks me if it poked me.
These things faded with time, and by now, they feel like they havent happened for the longest time, or maybe never happened.
But I digress, I'm not here to reminisce.
I'm complaining about time passing.
Why must time pass? Why do we grow old and never truly reverse our age? I am fearful of growing up. And I dont want to let these questions rob my faith and joy in God.
"God give me the detachment to accept those things I cannot alter;
the courage to alter those things I can alter;
and the wisdom to distinguish the one thing from the other."
-Serenity Prayer, 18th Century
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