Tuesday, March 14, 2006

no,i wont take my life.
all i wanted was time alone myself.

dear _________,

maybe ure right about everything abt me,and u may even be right that i should go kill myself.u know,sometimes u talk so much i really rather take my own life than listen to you.but it dawned upon me tht it's not worth dying for you.afterall,you are but "an insignificant side object in my life".yes,call me cynical,like you've always did.haha,you're right again.i AM veeerrry cynical.its amazing how everytime you seem to know me better than i do,u know?i am very amused.

and u wanna know the truth?u havent changed at all.because ure still coming at me me me me me me me me me.the only difference is your approach.yea,in the past it was physical,but now,u mentally and emotionally torment me.u make life hell for me and thn tell me that you love me alot,and that its not fair that i dun love you back.for one,it doesnt just take a day to convert 16years of hurts to happily ever after love.if you believed in that,you are sooo wrong.because ure speaking to lynette,one who is cynical (remember?) and absolutely unwilling to forgive.yes,i am bad.i am rotten.pls give up forcing me to love you.

i shall start on point number three,that is you forcing me to love you.if you really want my love,woo me to it,not force me to it.and by wooing me to it, i mean being patient with me and being sensitive to my feelings.this is something you seriously dont know.even God cant force me to love Him.He woos me to Him.tell me about it.

why do i not speak to you?reason simply because u wouldnt listen and (pls jot this down with a pen and notebook or carve it on ur hand) I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT.dont come to me again with all the crap that you dont ignore me because i say u do and that means u do.i can feel it even if you dont mean it.haha,are u feeling mistaken yet?good if you are,u know?because that's how i feel most of the time and its good u an be in my shoes for a while.but i digress.back to you ignoring me.u want me to talk to u,communicate with u,but u dont listen.u know what's the most common answer i get back everytime i try to talk to you.its, "F*KING BULLSHIT." (oh yes,and that reminds me.i hate your language u know?pls be polite.)its very tiresome to be your _______, because one would need to know the words to say exactly,and such words,amazingly,do not exist.when i try to console u sometimes,my words are blocked out and u stay in ur same angry/depressed/trouled/annoyed state.it happens all the time.yes,i repeat,all the time.

as for being mistaken,haha.i guess we both are mistaken about each other.but my attempt to clear my name in ur heart has alrdy ended 3 yrs back when i realised that i was on mission impossible.whnevr i tell you "i dont mean it that way",u dont let me explain myself but interrupt me and say,"but u know how it feels like to me?"so now,yea,we're quits arent we?whtever shit u wanna say about urself DOESNT matter (so save it) because the great I at the receiving end dont think so.

true enough,i dont bother about u when u have a bad day because i dont wanna talk to you(pls pardon my frankness.u asked for it).thr's no point talking because u never take my advice.oh yes,did u know u were the one who helped me figure that out?yes,you,when u told me that i'm "the youngest and know nothing at all".oh,thanks for reminding me that i'm ignorant once again last night.indeed,i AM ignorant.so yes,being the ignorant me,i keep stepping on ur toes and angering you.u reeeaaallly gotta pardon me.i was brought up to believe that i am ignorant.

even as i type all these, u wun be able to understand whr i'm coming from.because you are you, stuck in your pathetic way of thinking,believing that i am evil to the very core.yes,i do hate you,but i am not evil,or so i believe(since i really dont know who i am and only you,yes the great YOU,knw who i am).i believe i am sitll reasonable.and i do not do things intentionally to harm you.the only thing i anger you with is my not doing of anything.but no,my words have NEVER meant to hurt you.

why u must u take my letter with a dose of doubt?why cant you see it as a way i'm trying to connect with you and communicate with each other?why must u think i'm all out to anger you?no i am not.no i am not.no i am not.

and if u wonder why i dont wanna tell u all these face to face?haha.i shall not repeat myself.the answer is thr, up thr.its a vicious cycle we're stuck in u know?and i think we'll not ever come up with any solution because you are YOU and i am I.yes,once more mr high and almighty,u are right! (wow,amazing!) "either u should die or i should die" and knowing that i will not not not not not kill myself because i have alot to live for (or in ur terms, u shall just call me a "timid weakling") maybe u should intentionally get into an accident and die.oh yes,its a good idea.because i wont feel guilty that way.

happy now?

lynette is gone! say hello to LYNETTE the second! :D
the one with the answer.

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